The Obeinous Isles Elects Lord Crinkle Crunkle as New Mayor!
Just before Christmas former mayor Bian Greenwood resigned from office and called for a new election for the new year. People were surprised by his resignation, he had been our mayor for 15 years. No one knows the true reason why but it’s speculated that the tragic death of his twin brother Ian Greenwood may have been the cause.
Ian Greenwood was the mayor of The Conniving Isles, the neighbouring island to us. It was the one year anniversary of his death last September and a few months later Bian called an election. During the annual harvest of the Conniving Isles, Ian went missing.
No one knows the cause of Ian’s death but it is suspected to be murder. If you have any information on this please let the Conniving Isles police department know.
As with every election on The Obienous Isles, it wasn’t straightforward. The Candidates for Mayor were:
Former Mayor Bian Greenwood and then Former Mayor Swarm of Bees
Lord Crinkle Crunkle
Old Man Draggle
The Hessian Man
The election went off to a bad start with Melvin Algorithm just walking off halfway through the debate. Shortly after they’re were riots in the streets, a giant punch up outside Bian Greenwood’s house, 2 monsters fighting on a mountain and a big case of election fraud. All of this culminated in The Hessian Man winning but in my opinion very honourably giving up his position and giving it to Lord Crinkle Crunkle.
To find out what actually happened, I interviewed The Hessian Man. He said he wanted to take me into the straw realm to do this interview but he is renovating it at the moment. Instead, he takes me to his house on The Conniving Isle. It is an old farmhouse that sits on a cliff. He takes me into the front room and above his sofa is a big framed picture of him and some friends on segways, amongst them are three other candidates, Rob Goblin, Lord Crinkle Crunkle and Louis.
Thank you so much for giving us your time.
It’s my pleasure.
That whole election seemed way more chaotic than normal. I just wanted to find out what happened?
So I was knocking about the town, going door to door, giving the punters the ‘ol hessian charm and then I heard this scream. You know me Joey, I’m the first to help out when someones in trouble.
I don’t know how true that is Hessian Man, you do steal children's souls at Christmas time.
The mood suddenly turned sour. The Hessian Man rose from his seat and started to stamp his feet a little, like a child that won’t be allowed the breakfast cereal they want.
That’s an ancient tradition and I’ll be damned if health and safety laws cause me to stop that. People always go on about the souls I steal, how about the souls I save? I saved everyone on this island's soul by stepping down as mayor! So show me some fucking respect!
Sorry, that was unprofessional of me. You bravely ran after that scream.
Yeah and it was Willy screaming, you know Willy?
The manager of Woolies?
Yeah, he was helping his employee Rob Goblin move into Bians old house.
Before the election has been called? He was so confident that his employee would win that he would help him move his stuff in there?
Yeah, it was disgusting. Anyway, there was this angry mob outside. It was Maurice, he had this whole nazi mob with him. He was trying to move in as well. They were both fighting over who should move in and I stood in the middle and said ‘Oi! This isn’t right!’ and I wagged my finger. ‘We haven’t had the election yet so you are going to have to hold your horses because Swarm of Bees is living here and it’s making them anxious.’
Former Mayor Swarm of Bees is still living there? And they were just going to kick them out?
Not with me there they wouldn’t. I started conjuring wells, they were little brick wells in the ground. Willy would push the mob in and then they would be trapped in my straw realm and up will become a soulless version of them that I can control and would help fight with us.
People always dick on my soul stealing until it benefits them.
I’m sorry for that.
That’s not the worst of it. This little kid came in, started asking if we had seen Louis and I could see Willy wasn’t paying any attention to him and I said ‘Willy cease fire! There is a child present’ but he didn’t listen. He pushed that giant wolf Maurce over and landed right on the kid. Saddest day of my life.
There were two giant monsters fighting on the mountain in the middle of the island. Did you witness this?
Yeah it was pretty epic. I don’t know if you heard but Melvin Algorithm actually turned out to be an Akira monster. Louis, the town vicor told me and I was like we need to get there quickly. I grabbed my ten segways and we rode up there.
Is that the picture behind you?
Yeah I got Simon to take a picture. So we rode up there and I don’t know if you know alot about my Hessian powers but I can turn into a Kiju, so I just Kiju’d up and thought it. No big deal.
Did you hear about the election fraud that went on? I wanted to know your thoughts about it.
Fuck you! I didn’t fraud anybody! And how could I? You heard how busy I was!