Before you scroll any further, you feisty video-game gobbler, I must make it very clear that the following list is entirely fictitious and a construct of wishful thinking, imagination and gaming geekery.
But, like you, I’m excited about this year’s E3 and have spent the past few weeks daydreaming about what might be announced – from new Zelda games to mark the 35th anniversary of our ocarina-toting timelord, to Valve finally releasing a portable PC-gaming device – and fantasising about what most definitely will not be announced.
Here are the top 10 things you won’t be pre-ordering this time next week once E3 has BRB’d for another year (but that you’ll definitely wish you could!)
1. The Simpsons Hit & Run 2
If Rockstar can release GTA V precisely 372 times across three generations of console, then Radical Entertainment and Vivendi Universal Games can make like one half of Apu’s catchphrase and ‘come again’ – which, coincidentally, would probably be the reaction many of us would experience if Hit & Run 2 turbo-boosted into our living rooms later this year. Stupid sexy Flanders…
2. You can now pause online games
As everyone knows, the online gaming community is nothing if not understanding, patient and kind – which is why the announcement that anyone can now pause an online jaunt of League of Legends, Call of Duty or Legends of Runeterra is undoubtedly news that will be met with a chorus of praise and positivity. Need a quick toilet break? No problem. Three-course meal with the family? Go for it. Take a holiday for two weeks but don’t want to lose that killstreak? Don’t even worry about it.
3. PS5 and Xbox Series X consoles are widely available for purchase
In the same way that cryptocurrency miners have decided to stop buying every last remaining graphics card from the market so people can enjoy using them for gaming again, so too have the scalpers decided that it’s unfair they keep extorting others who want to enjoy the latest generation of gaming goodness. Rejoice, then, as units are now available at around three per household – huzzah!!!
4. Fez 2
Do not adjust your two-dimensional perspective: Fez 2 is finally coming to consoles across the globe in the coming months as the beloved puzzle game’s creator, Phil Fish, decided he cod no longer stay mad at the gaming community. He said that the scale of the new game will have us hooked, flexing our brain mussels and having a whale of a time. Will this be the best seaquel ever?
5. Double-Jump Pumps™ will soon be leaping into shoe stores
“Evolution is far too slow”, proclaimed the inventor of the Double-Jump Pump™, “so we just decided to give it a helping hand – or foot, in this case”. Unveiling this physics-defying footwear after it faced such enormous hurdles in its production was one of the bigger talking points at this year’s E3 event. Prices are excepted to skyrocket upon their release next spring…
6. Silent Hills finally coming to consoles in 2022
Hideo Kojima has finally decided to give the fans what they want, announcing the release of Silent Hills, the teased horror sequel introduced in P.T. back in 2014. In a divisive twist of fate, however, Kojima swapped out the spine-tingling corridors of the interactive trailer for actual silent hilltops more akin to Death Stranding’s landscapes. “This is the peak of video gaming” Kojima was quoted as remarking.
7. KFC’s console comes free with a 10-piece Wicked Variety Bucket
When gamers screamed they were hungry for a new kind of console, fast-food mad lads KFC listened: their KFConsole is now fresh from the oven and ready to be bagged up. Better still, for a limited time, the console will be available with every bucket meal. It’s only while stocks last, mind you, so don’t count your chickens before they hatch…
8. Nintendo unveil new gaming cartridge that will ‘blow you’ when you’re not working properly
No, that was not a typo, but reel in that sick little mind of yours – Nintendo are a family-friendly company! Wanting to give back to their loyal gaming community, Nintendo decided it was time to turn the tables: when their old SNES and N64 games struggled to get going, we’d give them a quick puff to help them power through. Now, the new ‘Nintenblow Games’ will do the same for us, gently exhaling energising air to help us through those difficult Monday mornings. Lets’a blow!
9. The cake isn’t a lie
The makers of the 2007 sensation, Portal, are swapping the ‘m’ from their title and becoming bakers. Now, every gamer out there can expect a beautifully baked cake packaged up with their physical copies of games – a tasty move from Valve Corporation. “We felt bad about the whole cake debacle, so we scrapped making Portal 3 and took to the kitchen instead”. Most in attendance at E3 were glad(os) to hear this news.
10. Doom is coming to contact lenses
The 1993 first-person shooter is no stranger to weird ports of its inaugural video game, having featured on calculators, ATMs and desktop printers to name but a few. But Doom’s latest iteration is one that needs to be seen to be believed. From Christmas 2021, contact lenses featuring the bloody blast-‘em-up will be available for purchase, finally making this first-person experience truly first-person! “A sight for sore eyes”, exclaimed one gamer.
What craziness would you love to see announced at E3, and which of these wild gaming pipedreams is your favourite? Let us know in the comments and, of course, check back for some actual E3 reports in the coming days!
If you love a bit of video game banter, why not check out more of Glitchqraft’s content – he might be a bit bonkers, but he’s all about video games. Go on, get yourself involved right here!
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